Why I say that someone died, and not ‘passed away’
I have written plenty of obituaries over my time, and by that I mean news stories about public figures whose lives were remarkable. I also wrote or edited many articles involving death.
There’s a language preference that I have that I know strikes some people as cold. I generally wrote that someone died, plain and simple. Like many journalists, I don’t much care for a phrase like “pass away.” It’s a euphemism.
“Died” is not rude, nor is it unnecessarily blunt.
It’s factual. It’s true. It’s also a clear, fair way to write about a subject.
By the way, I don’t object to when I hear others say something like “passed away” in conversation. Indeed, my wife and I found it charming when a financial planner used the phrase “meeting the angels” as a wink to an inevitable part of the process.
But in writing, for me, it’s best to be clear and straight forward. In the same way I respect medical examiners who strive for identifying truth in death, I feel journalists should be factual in what we write.
This point is made in various journalistic style guides. The CBC Language Guide (which I used for many years) is in line with other newspapers, broadcasters and wire services, including The Associated Press, which once put it this way in a post: “While many people use softer phrases like passed on or passed away, AP style does not use such euphemisms except in direct quotations. We suggest being clear and direct with the words death or died.”
Most obituaries that are published are not news stories, but are posted by family or, likely, funeral homes. A survey about a decade ago by a Duke University researcher found:
… paid death notices written by funeral homes and family, on the other hand, are much more likely to use more mild, indirect language to avoid sounding harsh.
In 1963, the British expatriate writer Jessica Mitford produced a groundbreaking investigative book called The American Way of Death, which disclosed that avoiding being harsh was a critical part of the funeral business. Some companies, she found, had a business model that actually relied on families wanting to avoid awkward conversation.
Decades later, I wonder what has changed. Certainly many people think they’re being kind by avoiding what has plainly happened. I recently read a compelling essay by a palliative care nurse who also works as an educator with a hospice in Plymouth, U.K.
Cathryn Goodchild wrote:
As a passionate advocate for using the correct words when talking about death and dying, I’m interested in how and why these euphemisms are starting to dominate our everyday language.
As health professionals and end of life specialists, we can’t shy away from difficult conversations or words that are accurate and honest. When we say that someone is dying or has died, we remove ambiguity, allowing everyone to understand what is being said and to begin processing what it means for them.
The use of “passing” or “passed away” is not new. Apparently, it can be traced back to the 15th century England when it was coined to describe the physical departing of a dead person’s soul, which was thought to happen after the funeral ritual had taken place.
I fully respect that those words still have a spiritual or religious connotation for many people today, but we should never assume that is the case. Saying dying, died and death is both universal and inclusive. [My emphasis here.]
I adopted my usual approach when I wrote my own father’s funeral notice. My dad, Bill Gushue, did not want a funeral or a service, and he found it awkward in his final weeks to talk about the inevitable. But I also knew, from decades of listening to his thoughts on all manner of things, that he respected both clarity of thought and simplicity of expression.
A final thought. When I was researching a recent post about the British singer Labi Siffre, I came across a clip where he is asked how he would like to be remembered.
He criticized euphemisms about death, and said grieving is important, suggesting we should be honest with ourselves. “I would like to be allowed the dignity of having died,” he said.